How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the bulb will have to be ready to change.

What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say?
Please knock. DON'T ring the bell.

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychologist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Psychiatrist: Well I have good new and bad news...
The Patient: Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?
Psychiatrist: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Patient: Good heavens! What's the good news?
Psychiatrist: You can go home and forget about it!

A woman took her husband to a psychologist because he thought he was a dog.
"Why don't you sit on the couch?" the psychologist said when they arrived.
"Oh, no" said the woman. "He's not allowed on the furniture."

A husband brought his wife to the psychologist.
Husband: My wife thinks she's a chicken.
Psychologist: That's terrible. How long has she been this way?
Husband: For three years.
Psychologist: Why didn't you bring her to see me sooner?
Husband: We needed the eggs.


Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Common Research Phrases and what they Really Mean

"It has long been known" . . . I didn't look up the original reference.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . . The results of the others didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" . . . The best results are shown.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding occurs" . . . I don't understand it.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . . Wrong.

Memory Techniques

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

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